The Tesla Roadster: Still Vaporware After All These Years?
So, Tesla's "ramping up" work on the Roadster again, huh? Yeah, sure they are. I'll believe it when I see it actually, you know, on the road. We've been hearing about this mythical beast since 2017. Seven years, people! Seven years of promises, delays, and Elon Musk's... well, let's just call them "optimistic" timelines.
Insider's reporting that there's been "substantial activity" on the Roadster program this summer. Oh, substantial activity? What, did they finally dust off the old Lotus Elise skeleton they're supposedly building this thing on? Did someone plug in a monitor and look at the CAD designs? Color me unimpressed. Tesla has ramped up work on the Roadster. Here's what we know.
And get this: the designs they've seen recently are apparently for a two-seater with butterfly doors. Butterfly doors? Seriously? Is this supposed to be a serious performance car, or some kind of Batmobile wannabe? The original concept was a four-seater with normal doors, for chrissake. But offcourse, why stick to the original plan when you can just keep changing things on a whim, right?
Empty Promises and "Long-Suffering" Deposit Holders
Musk thanked Tesla’s "long-suffering deposit-holders." Long-suffering is an understatement! We're talking about people who plunked down fifty grand years ago, based on nothing but hype and empty promises. And now some of them are finally wising up and asking for their money back. Good for them! I mean, let's be real, fifty grand could be put to WAY better use than funding Elon's next pipe dream.
Speaking of Elon, he's been dropping "breadcrumbs" about the Roadster. He told Joe Rogan the unveil will be "the most memorable product unveil ever." Oh, please. Remember the Cybertruck unveil? The one where the "unbreakable" windows shattered? Yeah, memorable is one word for it. A freaking clown show is another.
And then there's the whole SpaceX collaboration angle. Zero-to-sixty in under a second? Flying car capabilities? Give me a break. This ain't Back to the Future. This is a car, or at least it's supposed to be.
The Patent Game and the Two-Year Mirage
Tesla got a patent for an aerodynamic system that could help a car stick to the road at high speeds. Cool, I guess. But here's the thing: a professor of aerodynamics said it's probably too expensive for anything but "premium vehicles". So, basically, it's a fancy gimmick for rich people who want to feel like they're driving a fighter jet. Meanwhile, the rest of us are stuck dealing with rising gas prices and potholes the size of small cars.
One of Insider's sources says Tesla is "at least two to three years from production." Two to three more years? So, we're looking at potentially a decade between the initial announcement and the actual release? By that point, the Roadster will be a relic. The electric car market will have moved on, and Tesla will be chasing its tail trying to catch up. Or maybe I'm wrong.
Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe Elon really will pull a rabbit out of his hat and deliver the greatest car ever made. Maybe pigs will fly, too.
So, What's the Real Story?
It's simple: don't believe the hype. The Tesla Roadster is a mirage, a distraction, a way for Elon Musk to keep generating buzz and headlines while he focuses on other, more profitable ventures. The "long-suffering deposit-holders" should demand their money back and invest in something real. Something that actually exists. Like, I dunno, a reliable used Honda.