Stripe's Crypto Shenanigans: Are We Seriously Falling For This Again?
Oh, great. Another "revolutionary" blockchain project backed by Silicon Valley giants. Tempo, the payments-focused blockchain child of Stripe and Paradigm, just led a $25 million funding round for Commonware. Cue the confetti and breathless headlines. But let’s be real, what’s actually going on here?
Tempo, barely out of diapers, is already throwing around money like it’s Monopoly cash. They acquired Ithaca, poached a researcher from Ethereum (Dankrad Feist, congrats to him), and ballooned their headcount from 5 to 50. All this after being officially unveiled two months ago? Give me a break. It's like watching a toddler play dress-up with their parents' credit cards.
And the valuation? $5 billion! For what, exactly? Hype? Hope? The promise of "high-speed payments"? We've heard that song and dance before. Remember all the blockchain booms and busts of the past decade? Bitcoin is still kicking around, but ain't nobody actually using the blockchain for real-world transactions on a massive scale. So why are we supposed to believe this time is different?
The "Usage and Distribution" Delusion
O’Grady, the founder of Commonware, said that “Usage and distribution is way more important than money as a startup.” Okay, sure. Sounds great on a Fortune interview, but let’s deconstruct that for a second. What he really means is, "We need Stripe's connections to actually get anyone to use our tech, because otherwise we're dead in the water." Stripe-backed blockchain startup Tempo leads $25 million raise for crypto infrastructure firm Commonware
Commonware, founded in 2024, has seven employees and four customers. Profitable, sure, but let's not pretend this is some unstoppable juggernaut. They're making money helping companies "deploy as well as interface with its open-source software." Translation: they're charging a premium to do something that should be, you know, open source.
And the "deep, multi-year relationship" with Tempo? Sounds an awful lot like they couldn't get a "traditional round from a venture fund." Maybe those VCs saw through the BS. Just a thought.
The Emperor's New Blockchain
Stripe, OpenAI, Anthropic, Shopify…these are Tempo's "design partners." Sounds impressive, right? It’s like a who's who of tech elite. But what does it mean? Are they actually using Tempo's blockchain for anything concrete? Or is this just another marketing stunt to generate buzz and attract more investment?
Tempo is supposed to "show off what Commonware can do." But what can Commonware do, exactly? Develop "open-source code to allow others to launch their own blockchains." So, they're building tools for other people to build blockchains? It's blockchains all the way down! Where's the actual value here?
I guess the real question is: are we all just collectively delusional? Are we so desperate for the "next big thing" that we're willing to throw billions of dollars at vaporware? Maybe. Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here.
The Usual Suspects
It's the same old story, isn't it? Big names, big money, and big promises. Stripe, worth over $100 billion, is throwing its weight around in the crypto space. Paradigm, a top crypto VC firm, is along for the ride. And a handful of other VCs – Thrive Capital, Greenoaks, Sequoia, Ribbit Capital – are lining up to get a piece of the action.
These are the same people who profited handsomely from the last crypto bubble. And they'll probably profit again, regardless of whether Tempo or Commonware actually deliver anything of value. It's a game for the insiders, and we're all just along for the ride.
So, What's the End Game Here?
Look, I'm not saying blockchain technology is inherently worthless. There might be some legitimate use cases out there. But this whole Tempo/Commonware thing reeks of overhyped, overfunded, and ultimately pointless tech-bro hubris. I'm calling it now: this is going to end in tears.